Blurry Vision

I sometimes wonder if people feel as alone as I do.

Even though you're around people all the time or there's many who care about you and help tremendously, I still doubt. And I hate that feeling, and word altogether: doubt.
I've been turning to God a lot more lately, which is something still very new to me. I grew up in a home where religion just wasn't enforced and I'm grateful for that because now it's my choice to follow Jesus and see where He takes me. I remember the sermon where I light bulb went on for me.
It was a brisk, fall evening and I had gone to the Annex which was a Tuesday service up at Boulder (where I'm not going this fall! Yay!). I went with my friends Kristen and Mike (who are now engaged, crazy!) and they are the kind of people who just seem like they have everything figured out; their whole life is just kind of like a ride. Mine feels more like a movie where there forces beyond my control and I have to wait to see what is handed to me next; which I'm figuring out, that's what life is. Anyway, the whole night, the whole sermon was about doubt. Feeling doubt in God, in yourself, in others, and the world around you. And as I was sitting there listening to it, something clicked. It was 'a God moment' :) I knew I was supposed to be there at that exact moment, in that church hearing this because I had been feeling this for so long: doubt- in everything.
Since then life has thrown me some curve balls and I've felt it again. And for some reason, my mind doesn't revert back to that night, but to the thought that no one feels or has felt as alone or lost as I have this last year, or do right now. The feeling of crying at any given moment; breaking down when you hear the most random thing; feeling like curling up under your comfy comforter and never coming out to face the world again; thinking that if I just quit life everything might settle down. But it hasn't, and it won't. And then I remember that there is one person in this world who knows exactly how I feel: Jesus. Am I wrong? From what I've observed, He's been through everything plus some. And whenever my thoughts and my heart go to Him, I feel comforted and cared for, which is just so amazing to me. I've never felt that before and it just shows me how unbelievably strong faith can be, and that right there is so beautiful.
But even with that faith and comfort, I still feel incredibly lonely and doubtful. I try not to, but... I can't help it. I can't help the fact that I don't want to get out of bed. I can't help the fact that I don't want to go to work and deal with ridiculous people. I suppose I could, but I can't. My heart could be at the bottom of the deepest ocean and I would still feel it wrenching in my throat. My eyes could follow the biggest, most elegant cloud... and they would still fill with tears.

I sometimes wonder if people feel as alone as I do.

Nonsensical Thoughts

I'm not very good at confiding in people anymore. I seem to keep closing off myself to people who used to be my friends - my best friends. And I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just because I don't see them much because I'm so busy and when we do get together it's almost a feeling of obligation to report up on my life and what's happened. I just don't think I can do it. And then when I do realize that it's been awhile since I've seen them and I get that feeling, it's almost as if I postpone our meeting as long as possible in fear of having tell them and go through everything I did since the last time I saw them. And it's not just with me, but what's been going on in my ENTIRE life that they need to know, to be my best friend or whatever. And I don't think I can tell them all that because I'm afraid of what they'll think of my family. I could really care less about what people think about me, but when you judge or patronize or think different of the people I love, well then it's a completely different story. I don't update many people about the happening of my life for those specific reasons. People I was once friends with or once close with have a tendency to judge the things I say my family has been put through...well that's not right. I don't know. All I know is that I can't bare other people looking at my family in a negative way or judging them or giving a look of disgust because that's my family, and without them, I don't make sense.

It's been a Good Day

It amazes me how open people can be. Small talk is something I've never been real good at. And since I've been out of high school, which granted is only a year, small talk has seemed to have vanished from my memory. I can't simply see an 'old friend' and catch up because quite honestly, too much has happened and filling people in on my life's story is not exactly my strong suit. I mean I can see someone and talk about my classes or my boyfriend or my new glasses but when I hear the question "How are you?" . . . I have absolutely no answer.

I say "I'm fine."
Thinking, hopefully that could be true. But it's not the whole story. But like I said,
I don't and really can't tell my whole story. I think there's too much for a 19 year old girl to simply flat out say. But it's okay, I don't mind.

However, as my first year of college is coming to an end, it's really dawned on me that I don't like college. Or at least this college, for several reasons. One of them being the people.
I cannot stand the people up here. They're self-centered and small. They have no sense of self or awareness. They are rude and unfriendly. They all prance around here like they're on a pedestal and who ever doesn't have their parents buying their way into college is marked off the 'cool' list almost immediately. If I happen to acquaint a person in my class or down the hall and I see them at lunch or dinner (which is almost never anymore), they say "How are you?"

And I say "I'm fine."

Already dreading the response, I politely ask the same question. From there I receive about a ten minute update on their life. Not their family, their friends, their sick grandmother in the hospital... no no. Their life. Which, ya know, is perfectly fine; when you have nothing to worry about.

I know I always go back the whole "they've-got-nothing-to-worry-about-thing", but that's what it really comes down to. All they have to do is worry about themselves because, well, that's all they have to worry about. I don't pity that, and I certainly don't envy that, I'm just happy I'm not like that.

I've kept to myself this entire year of college, and I gotta say, that's probably the first time I've ever really done that. I was popular in high school, I was a social butterfly. But that was before I knew what life was like. How it can be so unexpected and painful. How it can seem amazing one day, and the next it's like an all-time low. I'm pretty sure no one here know what's it's like to feel that. Or to go home every weekend and come back and live almost like you're living two separate lives. My roommates doesn't even know who I really am. And quite frankly, I don't want her to. I really don't think I could let anyone in my little bubble right now. It's too precious to me. The people I love and care about are special to me. Not to my whole floor or to my whole sorority or to my big group of friends that sit underneath my window and smoke pot all the time! (They're not really my friends if you couldn't guess.)
I sit outside everyday and just observe. Observe everyone who walks down into the dining hall while I sit on the picnic-style table. Observe all the people who sit around and socialize and talk about their chapter meetings or talk about that sick party last night or getting the munchies this morning or living in their 4 bedroom 4 bath apartment with their bestfriends and not worrying about anything.
That's why I don't small talk. Partly because I have nothing to talk about with those kind of people and also because I've got too much on my mind to think about me. I know that I'll be going to school next year, living at home, hopefully have a car so I can actually commute and hopefully get another job. And I am so excited for that! It'll be so nice not dealing with these whino's everyday...or at least living with them.

As I was sitting outside tonight and just observing everyone who crossed my vision,
I thought to myself, "I wonder what their life is like."
Not in a 'I-bet-their-life-is-better-than-mine' kinda thing, but just thought what they're going through as a person. I hoped for each person that is was care-free and painless. Or at least the pain they would feel would dissipate in an hour or two, which 9 times out of 10 it does.
But I just sat there.
By myself.
Just observing.
Keeping to myself.
Liking it.
NO.
Loving it.
I love how I can have my own life and not follow the crowd along with all the other college kids. I can honestly say I'm my own person. I love how I'm no good at small talk. I love how I'm actually kind of shy now (yes I know it's hard to believe). I love how I keep to myself and no one knows a lot about me. I love that about me.

Oh...and by the way. I watched Gone Baby Gone last night and I think I've fallen in love with Casey Affleck. Just a little random thought! :]

Little Things

Mine and my sister's New Year's Resolution for 2009? The same. Not to let the little things in life get us down, get us annoyed, get us angry, get us upset, etc. It's hard to accomplish such a goal when the little things surround us everyday. But I feel that my little things are probably a lot different than the majority of people. A person waiting in line at Starbucks could say that her 'little thing' was waiting in line and not having whipped cream on her Caramel Machiatto; whereas my 'little thing' is falling asleep with my nephew and covering him with 4 blankets because there hasn't been heat in our house since December of 2007. Or, how another person's little thing could be not finding a matching pair of socks, while mine is washing every dish my hand because our dishwasher broke last June. The little things I think about on a daily basis are basic necessities that not many people have to think on at all. CLEAN running water, heat, a dishwasher, food in the house, having your own car, your father's depression, your mother's selfishness, your nephew's bronchitis, your sister's well being. The list can go on and on. 

It's the little things that rarely matter. But when they're there, every minute of everyday, sulking around the corner just waiting for you to think about them and dwell on them for hours and hours and hours...Well, then those little things really do matter. They shape how you think and what you do when you're faced yet again with another little thing in life, which seem to be never ending. 

But despite my collection of little things that could get me down and sometimes do, I thank my Lord every day for the people in my life, for the lessons I learn everyday, the emotions I feel everyday and the love I receive all the time. I am so unbelievably grateful for everything and everyone in my life and for the faith that I have that I sometimes forget how privileged I am. Without Him and the people who care, I would be even more lost than I am right now. 

Mother

Mother...What a word. Not only does the real definition say "influential; a female parent; and protector", but the connotations one has about a mother are endless. Most of these terms or ideas are things I haven't felt since I was a sophomore in high school. My mother used to be my best friend, and even though she would still say the same thing, I would be lying to myself if I agreed with her.

But then again, a 'mother' doesn't necessarily have to be biological. I mean I found 'motherly' love through my older sisters (kind of), and my best friend's mom, Lori. I don't want to sound like I was malnourished or mistreated by my mother, but the connection and bond that was once so strong, seems to have vanished. I can't talk to her anymore. I can't look at her the same way. I can't not think about her everyday. I just can't. What can I say? You love me but you left me?

The last thing I want to do is make my mom sound like a selfish, uncaring woman. Because she's not. I understand now why she left and why she chooses to do the things she does. I try to understand the person she has become or the actions she did to get there. I try to understand the one person she seems to think about 24/7: herself. Everything she has done in the past 2 and 1/2 years has been to benefit her, and really no one else. I'm sure it's not actually like that, but that's exactly what it feels like. She stayed until I graduated; thought I was old enough to grasp the gravity of the situation, but I can't say that I am even now. Being a mother isn't a job or a duty. It isn't something you can call yourself one day and not the next. It is another side of you, you take on to raise another human being until you are unable anymore. You can't just wake up one day, realize you're unhappy and kick it all in before lunch.

I know she tried as hard as she could being that things were never close to perfect. But I don't have a mother anymore.