Mother

Mother...What a word. Not only does the real definition say "influential; a female parent; and protector", but the connotations one has about a mother are endless. Most of these terms or ideas are things I haven't felt since I was a sophomore in high school. My mother used to be my best friend, and even though she would still say the same thing, I would be lying to myself if I agreed with her.

But then again, a 'mother' doesn't necessarily have to be biological. I mean I found 'motherly' love through my older sisters (kind of), and my best friend's mom, Lori. I don't want to sound like I was malnourished or mistreated by my mother, but the connection and bond that was once so strong, seems to have vanished. I can't talk to her anymore. I can't look at her the same way. I can't not think about her everyday. I just can't. What can I say? You love me but you left me?

The last thing I want to do is make my mom sound like a selfish, uncaring woman. Because she's not. I understand now why she left and why she chooses to do the things she does. I try to understand the person she has become or the actions she did to get there. I try to understand the one person she seems to think about 24/7: herself. Everything she has done in the past 2 and 1/2 years has been to benefit her, and really no one else. I'm sure it's not actually like that, but that's exactly what it feels like. She stayed until I graduated; thought I was old enough to grasp the gravity of the situation, but I can't say that I am even now. Being a mother isn't a job or a duty. It isn't something you can call yourself one day and not the next. It is another side of you, you take on to raise another human being until you are unable anymore. You can't just wake up one day, realize you're unhappy and kick it all in before lunch.

I know she tried as hard as she could being that things were never close to perfect. But I don't have a mother anymore.