It's been a Good Day

It amazes me how open people can be. Small talk is something I've never been real good at. And since I've been out of high school, which granted is only a year, small talk has seemed to have vanished from my memory. I can't simply see an 'old friend' and catch up because quite honestly, too much has happened and filling people in on my life's story is not exactly my strong suit. I mean I can see someone and talk about my classes or my boyfriend or my new glasses but when I hear the question "How are you?" . . . I have absolutely no answer.

I say "I'm fine."
Thinking, hopefully that could be true. But it's not the whole story. But like I said,
I don't and really can't tell my whole story. I think there's too much for a 19 year old girl to simply flat out say. But it's okay, I don't mind.

However, as my first year of college is coming to an end, it's really dawned on me that I don't like college. Or at least this college, for several reasons. One of them being the people.
I cannot stand the people up here. They're self-centered and small. They have no sense of self or awareness. They are rude and unfriendly. They all prance around here like they're on a pedestal and who ever doesn't have their parents buying their way into college is marked off the 'cool' list almost immediately. If I happen to acquaint a person in my class or down the hall and I see them at lunch or dinner (which is almost never anymore), they say "How are you?"

And I say "I'm fine."

Already dreading the response, I politely ask the same question. From there I receive about a ten minute update on their life. Not their family, their friends, their sick grandmother in the hospital... no no. Their life. Which, ya know, is perfectly fine; when you have nothing to worry about.

I know I always go back the whole "they've-got-nothing-to-worry-about-thing", but that's what it really comes down to. All they have to do is worry about themselves because, well, that's all they have to worry about. I don't pity that, and I certainly don't envy that, I'm just happy I'm not like that.

I've kept to myself this entire year of college, and I gotta say, that's probably the first time I've ever really done that. I was popular in high school, I was a social butterfly. But that was before I knew what life was like. How it can be so unexpected and painful. How it can seem amazing one day, and the next it's like an all-time low. I'm pretty sure no one here know what's it's like to feel that. Or to go home every weekend and come back and live almost like you're living two separate lives. My roommates doesn't even know who I really am. And quite frankly, I don't want her to. I really don't think I could let anyone in my little bubble right now. It's too precious to me. The people I love and care about are special to me. Not to my whole floor or to my whole sorority or to my big group of friends that sit underneath my window and smoke pot all the time! (They're not really my friends if you couldn't guess.)
I sit outside everyday and just observe. Observe everyone who walks down into the dining hall while I sit on the picnic-style table. Observe all the people who sit around and socialize and talk about their chapter meetings or talk about that sick party last night or getting the munchies this morning or living in their 4 bedroom 4 bath apartment with their bestfriends and not worrying about anything.
That's why I don't small talk. Partly because I have nothing to talk about with those kind of people and also because I've got too much on my mind to think about me. I know that I'll be going to school next year, living at home, hopefully have a car so I can actually commute and hopefully get another job. And I am so excited for that! It'll be so nice not dealing with these whino's everyday...or at least living with them.

As I was sitting outside tonight and just observing everyone who crossed my vision,
I thought to myself, "I wonder what their life is like."
Not in a 'I-bet-their-life-is-better-than-mine' kinda thing, but just thought what they're going through as a person. I hoped for each person that is was care-free and painless. Or at least the pain they would feel would dissipate in an hour or two, which 9 times out of 10 it does.
But I just sat there.
By myself.
Just observing.
Keeping to myself.
Liking it.
NO.
Loving it.
I love how I can have my own life and not follow the crowd along with all the other college kids. I can honestly say I'm my own person. I love how I'm no good at small talk. I love how I'm actually kind of shy now (yes I know it's hard to believe). I love how I keep to myself and no one knows a lot about me. I love that about me.

Oh...and by the way. I watched Gone Baby Gone last night and I think I've fallen in love with Casey Affleck. Just a little random thought! :]