I sometimes wonder if people feel as alone as I do.
Even though you're around people all the time or there's many who care about you and help tremendously, I still doubt. And I hate that feeling, and word altogether: doubt.
I've been turning to God a lot more lately, which is something still very new to me. I grew up in a home where religion just wasn't enforced and I'm grateful for that because now it's my choice to follow Jesus and see where He takes me. I remember the sermon where I light bulb went on for me.
It was a brisk, fall evening and I had gone to the Annex which was a Tuesday service up at Boulder (where I'm not going this fall! Yay!). I went with my friends Kristen and Mike (who are now engaged, crazy!) and they are the kind of people who just seem like they have everything figured out; their whole life is just kind of like a ride. Mine feels more like a movie where there forces beyond my control and I have to wait to see what is handed to me next; which I'm figuring out, that's what life is. Anyway, the whole night, the whole sermon was about doubt. Feeling doubt in God, in yourself, in others, and the world around you. And as I was sitting there listening to it, something clicked. It was 'a God moment' :) I knew I was supposed to be there at that exact moment, in that church hearing this because I had been feeling this for so long: doubt- in everything.
Since then life has thrown me some curve balls and I've felt it again. And for some reason, my mind doesn't revert back to that night, but to the thought that no one feels or has felt as alone or lost as I have this last year, or do right now. The feeling of crying at any given moment; breaking down when you hear the most random thing; feeling like curling up under your comfy comforter and never coming out to face the world again; thinking that if I just quit life everything might settle down. But it hasn't, and it won't. And then I remember that there is one person in this world who knows exactly how I feel: Jesus. Am I wrong? From what I've observed, He's been through everything plus some. And whenever my thoughts and my heart go to Him, I feel comforted and cared for, which is just so amazing to me. I've never felt that before and it just shows me how unbelievably strong faith can be, and that right there is so beautiful.
But even with that faith and comfort, I still feel incredibly lonely and doubtful. I try not to, but... I can't help it. I can't help the fact that I don't want to get out of bed. I can't help the fact that I don't want to go to work and deal with ridiculous people. I suppose I could, but I can't. My heart could be at the bottom of the deepest ocean and I would still feel it wrenching in my throat. My eyes could follow the biggest, most elegant cloud... and they would still fill with tears.
I sometimes wonder if people feel as alone as I do.
Casey, you are right. Jesus does know exacely how you feel. The moment in the garden of Gethsemane, when he cried blood he was agonizing so much, he knew he was going to be separated completly from the One he loved. His own father turned away when he was on the cross. He turned away when Jesus was beaten, crucified. He was abandoned. Yes, he understands. It makes sense that you feel the comfort you do when you turn to him. But it also makes sense that you feel lonely here on earth cause you have had some major losses over the past year. Sweetie, how I wish I could make you feel better. As crummy as it feels, you need to feel. Feel the anger, feel the sadness. Feel it all so you can heal and move forward.
ReplyDeletePlease, please, would you lean on me when you need to? Are you afraid to do that? Uncomfortable? Shoot I get that, I've withdrawn from all my friends lately as I have felt so sad.
I'm here. I love you. I'm so glad you have found Jesus. Let him carry you through the dark times you are in.
Yes, we do feel as alone as you. But that certainly doesn't make each of our loneliness feel any better!! I am so glad though that you can take comfort in Jesus. I recently blogged about how amazed I am that he truly does know exactly what I'm going through. Isn't that crazy??
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