Little Things

Mine and my sister's New Year's Resolution for 2009? The same. Not to let the little things in life get us down, get us annoyed, get us angry, get us upset, etc. It's hard to accomplish such a goal when the little things surround us everyday. But I feel that my little things are probably a lot different than the majority of people. A person waiting in line at Starbucks could say that her 'little thing' was waiting in line and not having whipped cream on her Caramel Machiatto; whereas my 'little thing' is falling asleep with my nephew and covering him with 4 blankets because there hasn't been heat in our house since December of 2007. Or, how another person's little thing could be not finding a matching pair of socks, while mine is washing every dish my hand because our dishwasher broke last June. The little things I think about on a daily basis are basic necessities that not many people have to think on at all. CLEAN running water, heat, a dishwasher, food in the house, having your own car, your father's depression, your mother's selfishness, your nephew's bronchitis, your sister's well being. The list can go on and on. 

It's the little things that rarely matter. But when they're there, every minute of everyday, sulking around the corner just waiting for you to think about them and dwell on them for hours and hours and hours...Well, then those little things really do matter. They shape how you think and what you do when you're faced yet again with another little thing in life, which seem to be never ending. 

But despite my collection of little things that could get me down and sometimes do, I thank my Lord every day for the people in my life, for the lessons I learn everyday, the emotions I feel everyday and the love I receive all the time. I am so unbelievably grateful for everything and everyone in my life and for the faith that I have that I sometimes forget how privileged I am. Without Him and the people who care, I would be even more lost than I am right now. 

Mother

Mother...What a word. Not only does the real definition say "influential; a female parent; and protector", but the connotations one has about a mother are endless. Most of these terms or ideas are things I haven't felt since I was a sophomore in high school. My mother used to be my best friend, and even though she would still say the same thing, I would be lying to myself if I agreed with her.

But then again, a 'mother' doesn't necessarily have to be biological. I mean I found 'motherly' love through my older sisters (kind of), and my best friend's mom, Lori. I don't want to sound like I was malnourished or mistreated by my mother, but the connection and bond that was once so strong, seems to have vanished. I can't talk to her anymore. I can't look at her the same way. I can't not think about her everyday. I just can't. What can I say? You love me but you left me?

The last thing I want to do is make my mom sound like a selfish, uncaring woman. Because she's not. I understand now why she left and why she chooses to do the things she does. I try to understand the person she has become or the actions she did to get there. I try to understand the one person she seems to think about 24/7: herself. Everything she has done in the past 2 and 1/2 years has been to benefit her, and really no one else. I'm sure it's not actually like that, but that's exactly what it feels like. She stayed until I graduated; thought I was old enough to grasp the gravity of the situation, but I can't say that I am even now. Being a mother isn't a job or a duty. It isn't something you can call yourself one day and not the next. It is another side of you, you take on to raise another human being until you are unable anymore. You can't just wake up one day, realize you're unhappy and kick it all in before lunch.

I know she tried as hard as she could being that things were never close to perfect. But I don't have a mother anymore.